Archive for the ‘Verbiage’ Category

A goddamn honour

Friday, May 17th, 2013

When you call a company and get a recording that your conversation may be monitored, did you ever think it was to assess your politeness?

Me, neither, but it seems that a mobile technology firm did just that, examining more than 600,000 phone calls to businesses for words like “please,” “thank you,” and “fuck off.” Their analysis showed that Ohioans cursed the most, roughly once every 150 calls. Washingtonians — the folks from the left-hand corner of the country, not from here in the capital — cursed at a rate half that. Carolinians, North and South, meanwhile, are the most courteous.

As someone who curses and is Canadian, I’m not sure if I believe profanity and politeness are mutually exclusive.

Aims, fires

Saturday, May 11th, 2013

A good headline writer is a treasure indeed:

From My Cold, Wet Hands: Libertarians Plan Water Gun March.

My Sylvia

Friday, May 10th, 2013

The summer before I turned 14, I fell in love. You might think that a little young, and I promise you that it was quite unrequited.

The object of my affection was Sylvia Plath.

I had mono that summer, which spread to my spleen, leaving me feverish and exhausted. Shifting from bed to couch, and couch to bed, left me little to do besides indulge my already-bookish tendencies, and I decided to read my way through a list of 100 books one ought to read when applying to college. The compilation definitely skewed mid-century American – Kerouac and Hemingway, The Great Gatsby and The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance – and I liked a lot of it, much more than the dreary British lit I’d been reading. But it was Plath, The Bell Jar, that demanded my attention, and affection.

I’ve read the book a dozen times – honestly, probably dozens – since, but I can still recall how immediately I was sucked in, by the hot shame of the Rosenberg execution in the opening lines and Esther’s struggles to seem cool, by the narrator’s displacement and engagement, her near-death and resurrection. At the time, I barely went a few hours without napping, but I read The Bell Jar deep into the night, finishing it in a single sitting. Then I read it again. And Plath’s poetry and every bit of fan-girl lit-crit, the tawdry biographies that revealed more about author than subject.

It’s the 50th anniversary of her death this year, and so Plath is in the zeitgeist again, if she ever left. This time, the debate is brought by a group of women who believe too much ink has been devoted to the tragedy of Plath’s personal history and that a greater focus ought to be on the college summer Plath spent as an intern at Mademoiselle. Of course, that is the setting of The Bell Jar and of course, she made her first suicide attempt right after – but no matter.

It’s hard to know, but I imagine that Plath, intelligent and impatient, might’ve rejected all these meta-readings of her story. I do know that I object to the notion that all of us who read Plath before were black-clad cutters, seduced by her myth of death. I loved Plath because, like me, she was a smart girl and a writer. Because in The Bell Jar she sounded like the voice in my own head, self-critical and scornful and unsure and sometimes a little silly. Because in Ariel she sounded like the voice I’d never permitted myself to have, angry and powerful, wielding words like weapons.

Please do not try to redeem her. She was my young love.

Carrousel

Tuesday, May 7th, 2013

Dear English Language,

Fuck you. We don’t care if you employ a certain internal logic. Fie to your principles! We will add consonants willy-nilly, without apology or rationale (you know we’re kidding about the desire to make words “bouncier”). We are,

The New Yorker

Banned in babyhood

Saturday, May 4th, 2013

Imagine you’re a first-time mom and you’ve got your heart set on calling your child-to-be “Anal.” Not in New Zealand, where the moniker is banned. There can be no little “Metallicas,” “Elvises,” or “Ikeas” in Sweden. Perhaps not surprisingly, “Adolph Hitler” is out in Germany. At least a dozen countries ban certain names outright, or force prospective parents to choose from a list of approved names.

I’m not really in favour of the government overseeing and approving baby names — haven’t our lawmakers and bureaucrats got their hands full enough? That said, I wonder if maybe there could be some sort of regulatory scheme whereupon if a name becomes too popular if could be temporarily forbidden. That way, I wouldn’t have had to go to school with quite so many Nikis and Jens.

High fives all around?

Thursday, May 2nd, 2013

Earlier this week, journeyman basketball player Jason Collins revealed he was gay, the first active male player in a major American team sport to do so. In a first-person piece in Sports Illustrated, he wrote: “I’m a 34-year-old NBA center. I’m black. And I’m gay.”

That’s applause-worthy. And Collins was greeted almost universally with kudos. It was striking to me, idly flipping channels, how positive and receptive the coverage was: Anderson Cooper and Andrew Sullivan – to whom Cooper  came out of the closet earlier this year – spent half their time effusively praising his writing. Collins’ high-school coach made the cable rounds.  Over on resolutely flyover-state Good Morning America – whose weatherman casually dropped the news not long ago that he was getting married and to a man – the anchors took time for a round of cheers.

The mainstream media’s collective high-five is evidence, if the polling isn’t proof enough, of the seisimic shift in public opinion on homosexuality. Indeed, in this environment, those not in full-throated support seemed out-of-touch. Howard Kurtz, for one, ran a wanna-be gotcha column that chided Collins for not revealing that he’d been engaged (in fact, he had in his SI piece) that was as egregious for its errors as for Kurtz’s dark-ages assumption that someone who is gay couldn’t have once had – or tried to have – feelings for a woman. Kurtz tried to rewrite his way through the controversy, but eventually the Daily Beast retracted the whole damn thing (and, it seems, Kurtz, too.)

For all of this, there’s something that makes me a bit uneasy about the response, especially when put into context. Female sports luminaries like Martina Navratilova have been out for years, and when a bona fide star of women’s basketball revealed she was gay a few weeks ago, it was greeted with a collective shrug. (I hope I won’t seem uncharitable by noting Collins’ pro ball career as benchsitter.) Why is that? Is it because, as The Atlantic’s Garance Franke-Ruta argues, female athletes are seen as tomboys and from tomboy, it’s not a far stretch to lesbian? Maybe, although I have trouble with Franke-Ruta’s notion that to be a woman and an athlete is to be “nonconformist” – little girls are behind America’s soccer craze and women throng distance races. I’ve got firmer biceps than most guys I know. To be a layabout and female almost seems the exception.

But if you buy that double standard – that it’s less acceptable to come out as a man – then I find the flipside uncomfortable, too: Is it possible we see Collins’ behaviour as heroic because we’re used to viewing male athletes through that lens? Men who play professional sports are stars; women who do are, with few exceptions, hardly household names.

None of this is to diminish Collins’ bravery in laying himself bare. Quite the contrary. I just think that maybe Brittney Griner ought to have gotten some high fives, too.

Nix that metaphor

Monday, April 29th, 2013

From the Post:

Starting pitcher Ross Detweiler fell victim to a series of small calamities, first baseman Adam LaRoche tumbled deeper into a morass of a slump and a funky, left-handed rookie chucked aspirin tablets at them for six innings. The Nationals might as well have stayed in their clubhouse and tried putting toothpaste back in the tube. Beneath an overcast sky at Nationals Park, Reds lefty Tony Cingrani overpowered the Nationals for six scoreless innings….As Cingrani collected 11 strikeouts, including four in a single inning, Detwiler suffered paper cuts and stubbed toes.

Let me get this straight — are aspirin tablets relief for paper cuts and stubbed toes? Can you get out of a morass of a slump by putting toothpaste back in the tube? Is beat sports writing so dull that one must enliven it by a series of nonsensical, tortured mixed metaphors?

The headline, or a catchy summation of what follows beneath

Thursday, April 25th, 2013

Indonesia is fast becoming a consumer culture — they love Facebook and 7-11, so why not Tupperware, too? I fully expect the next Tupperware maven will speak Bahasa.

But I have to admit that the most amusing part of this article is this journalistic conceit — imposed mainly by copy editors, I’d say — in which the writer spells out the definition of the most obvious item, individual, or trend. Thus, Tupperware are “plastic containers for leftover beef stew and baba ganoush at house parties world-wide.” But here’s the thing: Would you read an article about Tupperware if you didn’t know what Tupperware was?

Case made.

Woe is me?

Tuesday, April 23rd, 2013

OK, look, newspaper reporters as a species are big, big whiners. We love to complain. And we’ve got stuff to kvetch about — after all, who the hell knows if newspapers will exist in a decade.

But the Worst Job in the World? Please. We have flexible hours, undertake little manual labour, and rarely have to do the same thing from day-to-day. Plus, we have the cache of glamourous types like Robert Redford occasionally pretending to be us.

If I didn’t know better, I’d think newspaper reporters rigged the survey.

Ode to poor eyesight

Sunday, April 21st, 2013

I wear sunglasses at

Night. So I can, so I can

See in front of me.

I’m a writer. I’m a bespectacled writer. It’s no Dorothy Parker, but surely, with this effort, the Prada money is mine.